Posted on August 1, 2024

By Don Hawkins, D. Min.

“It’s great to see you again, Calvin,” Bob exclaimed as the two men met for lunch in a diner they both had frequented for years. “It’s so good to be back home. Haven’t seen my parents in person since last March.”

“It’s been a while, Bob. And I understand you are involved in some kind of coaching now?” Calvin, a rice farmer and high school football coach, settled into his seat and sipped his water. “You called it life coaching. So how does that differ from what I’m doing with the Tigers?”

“There are a lot of similarities Calvin,” Bob replied. “In fact, our Christian life coaching approach, which is being used in a number of Christian colleges and seminaries, is similar to athletic coaching in a number of ways. For one thing, you as a coach don’t play the game; instead, you offer motivation and direction to the athletes who do. In our GrandCoaching™ course, our content producers don’t actually engage in coaching grandchildren. They provide the knowledge, skills, and strategies grandparents need to successfully engage in coaching their grandsons and granddaughters. Now, how many grandchildren do you have?”

“Three,” Calvin responded smiling. “And I’m incredibly proud of them. Cal, the III is playing varsity football this fall, and Carlie has a straight “A” average in 10th grade.

“But I’m intrigued with how you relate coaching to grandparents and grandchildren. Tell me more.”

Strategic coaching for grandparents

“As you may recall, several years ago during a visit with Christian psychiatrist Dr. Frank Minirth, I learned about a new strategy he and his team were using to help people move forward when dealing with challenges they were facing. He called it Christian or Faith-based life coaching. He introduced me to Ralph, a certified life coach and life coach trainer a member of his team, and he told me where I could get training. So, I did, and Ralph and his team invited me to join them in developing the content for an online course that would instruct grandparents on how to strategically use coaching tools and techniques to better relate to their grandchildren.”

Bob paused to take a sip of his water, then continued after the waitress had taken their orders. “Recently I’ve joined Ralph in several weekend seminars where we’ve explained what’s involved in this kind of coaching. I’m amazed at how enthusiastic these grandparents have been, and the number who have actually signed up to enroll in the course.”

Coaching differences

‘So, help me understand what’s unique about this … you call it ‘GrandCoaching™?’” Calvin had a somewhat puzzled look on his face.

“Since I’ve watched you on the sideline, and even when you’ve coached your players at practice, I can tell you one big difference,” Bob replied. “Your approach to coaching is a lot like my grandfather’s approach to giving me advice. Extremely authoritarian. His four favorite words were ‘Let me tell you!’ Sometimes I listened, but at other times I resented the advice he gave me and chose to ignore it. Lately, I’ve come to the conclusion that part of my problem was that I resented the way he gave it.

“So let me explain the totally different strategy we use in Christian life coaching. As I’ve come to understand the process, we have three key strategies, none of which involved raising our voice or even speaking authoritatively when giving advice.”

“So how do you get them to pay attention?” Calvin asked. “If I didn’t raise my voice, most of my players would ignore me.”

“I suspect some of them ignore you even when you raise your voice,” Bob replied. “I used to try that with my grandchildren. But our coaching approaches taught me a different strategy, one that I’m finding to be effective.”

Asking and listening

“I learned there are two main strategies that make our coaching process work,” Bob continued. “Active listening, and asking cultivating questions.”

With a puzzled look on his face, Calvin responded. “I don’t think that would work in my line of coaching. So, explain to me how it works in yours, with your grandchildren?”

“Let’s start with asking questions. I know you’re involved in a Bible study at church on the Life of Christ. Have you noticed how many times in the four Gospels Jesus asks questions of those around Him?”

“I hadn’t thought about it,” Calvin answered. “I always thought of Him telling people what to do. Our last lesson was on the Sermon on The Mount where several times he quoted Old Testament law, then said ‘You have heard it said … but I say to you.’”

“That’s accurate,” Bob replied. “And He certainly had the authority to speak in that way. But I remember Ralph challenging me to take an afternoon and read through the Gospels with the notebook in hand, and jot down the number of times Jesus asks questions of those around him--- his disciples, the Pharisees, and others.

“I don’t recall the number offhand, but it was pretty amazing. Ralph explained that Jesus was asking cultivating questions. He used an illustration I think you could relate to, since you spend a lot of your weekend time working on your dad’s farm. He started by quoting Proverbs 20:5, which I’ve memorized. ‘The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.’ I believe what Solomon said in this proverb explains the best way to break down barriers in communication and begin successful communication with our grandchildren.”

“Hmm,” Calvin responded. “Hadn’t thought of it that way.”

“In one of our sessions Ralph drew a number of parallels between cultivating the ground and asking cultivating questions.

o Tilling the soul to break it up, parallels the need to break through thought patterns that hinder a positive response to Biblical truth.

o Planting the seed is similar to planting Biblical truth, as Jesus explained in the account of the parables in Matthew 13.

o Fertilizing the planted seed is a key component if the planted seed is to grow, and parallels ongoing interaction between grandparent and grandchild.

o Weeding the ground parallels the often frustrating but necessary task of removing weeds, like social media, that crowd out the planted seed and rob needed nutrients from the soil.

o Harvesting doesn’t always happen immediately, just like with farming, but is certainly the ultimate objective of both gardening and Christian coaching.”

Why listening is essential

“I’d like to learn more about the benefits of asking those kinds of questions, and how you guys work that with grandchildren,” Calvin replied, scratching his balding head. “But you said listening was another important part of your strategy. How does that work?”

“Remember Proverbs 20:5, the verse about drawing out the deep waters from someone’s mind?” Bob smiled as he continued. “That goes hand-in-hand with asking those cultivating questions. You ask, you listen, then you may ask again. Then listen some more.

“I know that runs counter to the approach you’ve used for years coaching high school kids. You’ve had to tell them the basics about blocking and tackling, and help them understand formations and strategies. But I suspect there’s even a place for listening and asking cultivating questions in the kind of coaching you do.”

“I’m not too sure about that, Bob,” Calvin responded. “I’ve found that my biggest challenge is getting them to listen to me.”

“Maybe if you listen to them, they might see you setting an example and follow it. By the way, I believe God created us to be listeners more than even proclaimers!”

“What do you mean by that?” Calvin asked, a puzzled look on his face. “What does listening have to do with God creating us?”

“Just compare the number of ears He made for each of us with the number of mouths. Then compare that with James 1:19.”

Calvin flipped to the Bible app on his phone, and quickly looked up the verse Bob had mentioned.

“Know this: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger, for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.”

“That’s really strong,” Calvin noted after reading the verses a second time. “I’ll have to admit, I haven’t practiced that verse very well while coaching football. And I certainly haven’t taken that approach with my grandchildren.”

“I’ll admit, it’s been a significant change in my approach to my grandchildren,” Bob replied. “But as I worked on the new approach, it has become more natural for me to ask, then listen, then ask again. I’ve been amazed at some of the issues I wound up discussing with Billy and Emily. I suspect if you asked them, they would say they have a better relationship with me now than they did back when I was doling out advice without listening.”

“Maybe I should think about taking that course you were telling me about,” Calvin continued. “It just might help me with my players-- and my grandchildren. What’s that website?”

“It’s GrandCoaching.org,” Bob replied. “And I understand they have a special rate for those who sign up now.”

www.grandcoaching.org.

*****

Don Hawkins, D. Min. is the Chief Content Officer for the Master Life Coach Training Institute and the President/CEO of Encouragement Communications. He hosts the Saturday evening call-in program “Encouragement Live,” and has authored over 25 books including Master Discipleship Today, Friends in Deed, and Never Give Up.